Supergoober says he needs a rant....okay one rant....coming up!
It's February, the shortest month of the year, usually the rainiest back home, and it's time to celebrate the following things:
1. George Washington's Birthday......we celebrate the General who won this Country it's independence from overtaxation at the hands of the corrupt British Parliment by doing the following: In elementary school you have some super cheesy plays they make you do, then you cut out cherry trees and silouettes of Washington. You still have to work that day, unless of course you work for the Federal Government or are a Teacher. Department stores have President's Day sales.....because nothing says Happy Birthday George Washington like a blender, costume jewelry or new sheets for your bed. Oh, and you also usually have some cheesy local furniture guy or car dealership owner dressed up as Washington holding an axe near a cherry tree saying stupid shit like "We cannot tell a lie, we're chopping down prices!!!"
2. Abraham Lincoln's Birthday.....we celebrate the President who freed the slaves and had to deal with the South getting all rebellious and bent out of shape because they couldn't oppress Black People anymore (my Southern friends out here love that one.....I often hear bbbbut it's about State's rights.....yeah the right to own Human beings isn't a right.) by doing the following: In elementary school, while some guys are dressed like George Washington and performing some cheesy skit the teacher would usually get the tall kids and put a big construction paper stove-pipe hat on their heads and a fake beard and they'd be Lincoln. You still have to work, unless like I've stated above you work for the Government or are a Teacher. Also as mentioned above, Department stores have a President's Day sale to commemorate this occassion, and the same cheesy local furniture guy/car dealership owner also dresses as Lincoln (when he's not dressed like Washington) saying stupid shit like "Four score and seven years ago, I'll make you a deal..."
Oh by the way, several years ago they decided to combine the two Birthdays into one day and call it President's day. This means the kids only get one day off of school, unlike us old folks who remember getting two days off of school because of the individual birthday celebrations. Ha ha.....
3. Black History (awareness.......that's such a stupid term....Black Awareness Month...c'mon...) Month. We celebrate by doing the following: nothing really.....the network's have little 30 second spots in between shows with a Black Celebrity reading off some fact about a famous Black Person in history, and you get to see snippets of Martin Luther King, Jr's speech but that's about it. I can't even imagine what kind of cheesy crap they do in elementary school as my generation apparently didn't need to take a whole month just to be "aware" of Black People in history.
4. Groundhog Day. Not sure the origins of this stupidness, but apparently their is this magical giant hamster that comes out of the ground and depending on whether or not he sees his own shadow we somehow either get 4 more weeks of winter or not. I think it's bad if he sees his own shadow. So if that is the case, and since I hate winter, I suggest we kill all of the Groundhogs on January 31rst each year and that way their evil shadow magic won't affect our weather. Who's with me??
5. The BIG ONE....the one Holiday that was made violent in the 30's by Al Capone as he chose that day to whack a bunch of rival gangsters.....the one day that is an official conspiracy between the Florist Industry, Restaurant Industry, Greeting Card Industry, Jewerly Industry and KY, Trojan and Victoria's Secret....yep I'm talking about Valentine's Day......you know the day when guys who usually ignore the women in their lives for the other 364 days of the year make up for it by buying extremely overpriced flowers, crap jewelry from Kay or Zales, a cheesy card that says something like "Valentine, when I see you the flowers bloom and the birds sing!!! blah blah blah..." and dinner at their favorite restaurant which miraculously has a "Special Valentine's Menu" with only two choices on it, chicken or beef with the usual sides and drinks for only.....75 dollars a person........all in the hopes of getting laid. Oh, and they usually buy these women lingerie as a gift.....yeah nice gift. Dude you won't go to the store and buy a freaking box of maxi pads for the woman nor will you go shopping with her, but you will go buy filmy underwear for here to wear one night a year. I know what you are thinking....he's sleeping on the couch tonight......nope. Cath and I talked about this before, and we share the same opinion. Her attituded is why do you need one day to show your love for someone, you should show it all the time. I love my wife, I truly do. I hear this year because the economy sucks florists and restaurants are complaining they don't have the sales.....well here's a tidbit for you.....LOWER YOUR DAMN PRICES!!!! Freaking dozen roses is anywhere from 30-150 dollars depending on where you go. For damn flowers that will die in a week or two. I usually buy my Wife a plant, something she can re-plant out in the yard or leave in a pot in the house. I will also buy my Step-Daughter some flowers too......she likes it and she's a good kid.
So there's my rant, and looking at the calendar I see there's two more weeks until March....yay March where we celebrate nothing, well I do since it's both my Parent's birthdays (3 days apart). Since it's an empty month I'd like to propose Italian Awareness Month/Italian History Month. The Networks will run little snippets like "Today in history Frank Sinatra sang his first song" or "Al Capone committed his first crime" or something like that. We can have those furniture/car dealership guys standing on a boat saying "Mama Mia we've crossed the ocean to bring the land of opportunity to you!!!!". We could have Nintendo's Mario and Luigi as the official mascots and run an all day "Soprano's" marathon on A&E combined with every Rat Pack movie and all three Godfather's on AMC.
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