What do you get when you cross Fisherman's Wharf with Tahoe?

Gatlinburg, TN is what. Myself, Cathy and Liv just got back from a great Family weekend up in the Smokies. For my friends back home that would be the Smokey Mountains. Gatlinburg is Tennessee's Tahoe during the winter. It's where you go to go skiing. During the Summer it's like Tahoe as well in the fact that there are numerous trails and a beautiful State Park plus rivers full of fish. No lakes, but lot's of rivers. The Fisherman's Wharf part is in the form of cheesy Tourist stuff. You know the places I'm talking about. Discount Souveniers...3 T-Shirts for 10 Bucks!!!, crappy keychains, snowglobes.....of course since this is in Tenneessee, there are lots of Western Shops as well. It appears that the Ripley's people have quite a stake in Gatlinburg. (oh as a side note: Gatlinburg refers to the whole area but it really is a separate City. The actual Smokies resort area is made up of Sevierville, Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg). There is a Ripley's Believe it or Not museum (the Fisherman's Wharf part..see....) a Ripley's Haunted Mine ride or some crap like that, and numerous Mini Golf Courses with varying themes with the Ripley's name plastered on them. Oh, by the way, this area has the most Mini Golf Courses I've seen in my life!!! Indoor golf courses, indoor Black Lite Golf Courses, outdoor courses carved in tiers on a hillside, outdoor courses on flat ground with Octopi, Mermaids, Flying Pigs...etc etc.....the cheesier the better. The one's we played on we loved. Although I must bash one of the facilities on this blog. One of the courses is called Hillbilly Golf...yeah I know.....and the gimmick of this course is that it's way up on the side of a hill. To get there you get in this little tram thing that takes you up to the top, then you play your way down the hill to a halfway point where the same tram thing picks you up and takes you the rest of the way down the hill. Sounds fun so far right? Well the course is fun, but the rejects running don't take credit cards. Ummm....it's the 21rst Century right???? Aside from parking garages (some do but most don't) everyone takes credit cards. It seems bad business as far as I'm concerned to not take credit cards in a resort area. Ever wonder why you don't see travelers check commercials anymore? No one uses them because everyone has a credit card or a debit card. Why carry lots of cash that can be stolen and not recovered when you can carry you checking account in the form of a plastic card. A plastic card that if it's stolen you can call the bank and in a matter of minutes have that card cancelled and in some cases have a new one delivered to you. So why carry cash. Idiots I say. If I ran a business in a resort town you bet your sweet patootie I'd take credit cards. In a heartbeat!!! Gatlinburg is also the Go-Kart capital of the world....or so it seems. There were some awesome tracks. I thought of the Perfect Line and Super Goober when I was driving on one of the 3 tracks offered at the place we went to. They would have loved this track. The first track you drive up four circular ramps....the track is wood at this point.....when you get to the top you hit a hill that reminds me of many of the hills in SF back home. You are cautioned to use the brakes going back down it.....then it's up the ramps again. Whew that was fun. The second track had steep hills too, but you could hit them full speed, then you come out of it and hit a rising up hill left banking turn......niiiiccceee..... We of course had to take in a show while we were there. In the tradition of Medievil Times they have several shows that are Dinner shows. We picked Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede. Why you ask? Because the entire show revolves around horses and my 13 year-old StepDaughter Liv loves horses. When I was making reservations I chose to sit on the North side....hee hee.....sorry I can't cheer for the South in something Civil War related. Besides, we got front row seats doing it that way. Think about it. This is a resort in Eastern Tennessee....a ways past Knoxville the home of UT. It's also the South.....so most of the natives will want to sit on the Southern side....that whole Southern Pride thing.... The show was great. They let a whole Herd of Buffalo run around the stadium to start with (fairly impressive animals actually) then it was covered wagons and buckboards and lots of horses. I personally loved the Ostrich Races....yes they had women riding on saddles strapped to the backs of real live Ostriches. Pretty cool beasts. They had a piglet race....it was pretty funny watching future slabs of bacon run in a half circle. It all ended with a Patriotic number and a lesson of how our divided Nation put aside it's differences and became one (actually it was because the South had their asses handed to them but I digress.....what did they expect? Farmers taking on the US Army...c'mon!!). Liv of course got some Horse Back Riding in....she had to. We also went into this Haunted House off the beaten path. It's in an old 3 storey Victorian looking building. The cool part about it; you have to find your way through it. You start in an entry room and are told by some cheesy animatronics skeleton that the secret passage is behind the fireplace. So the three of us pulled the candlesticks, pushed the woodwork etc...to no avail. Then a disembodied voice (the girl at the front cash booth who you buy tickets from) said "you have to touch the fireplace walls". We touched...nothing happened. Same voice comes back "you have to push on the fireplace". We pushed....nothing. Same voice "you're not pushing hard enough". We pushed harder, and we got into the next room...laughing because we were so lame and had to have someone give us a big hint. So my brave and independent StepDaughter decided she didn't really want to go first and my lovely Wife decided she didn't either so I got stuck in front with Cathy clinging to my shirt and Liv to her belt. Oy Vay!! So we felt our way through the dark and came to a room o' doors. Two guys in robes and masks came bursting out of the walls yelling "pick a door". I started pushing on doors....none were opening. Liv knocked on one and I went and pushed it open just as one of the "ghouls" came out saying "why are you still here??" I answered with "because we are going this way" and through the door we went. We got to another part of the house with an obvious squeaky door (the cue for the worker in robe and mask to get ready to scare the crap out of you) and were greeted by another "ghoul" who grabbed a jumper cable attached to a battery and ran it across a metal grate making sparks while he was banging doors, etc. As we neared the end, we looked up and there was a guy wearing a "Scream" mask clinging to the ceiling. I have to give this "ghoul" props for great upper body strength as he was clinging to the ceiling spread eagle. I told him he couldn't get me because I wasn't a babysitter and Cathy warned him not to fall on her. He jumped down behind Liv as we passed by and made her jump. She turned around and said "Can I help you?" then later she said "Stop following me" as the scream dude was following us out of the haunted house. Lot's of fun and we were laughing about it all the way home. Cathy and I plan to go up by ourselves in Spring when Liv has Spring Break. We never really had a Honeymoon (our Reception was at Fresh Choice and our Honeymoon was at Chuck-E-Cheese) so we figured we'd go up there to do some fishing and other things that Liv wouldn't like.