I would like to draft an open letter to my fellow Middle Tennesseeans on a disturbing trend I've noticed since I moved here: your lack of anything remotely resembling driving skills.
Dear Mid-Tens:
I understand that you are not from a freeway culture like I am. In my world if you weren't going at least the speed limit when entering onto a freeway, you didn't get on at all. If you didn't close the gap or at least drive the posted maximum speed limit, bad vibes and gestures would be thrown your way (sometimes bullets and rocks, but I digress). So here are a few helpful driving tips from the Pros (compared to you folks, I'm a pro driver. Although compared to the Perfect Line and the Supergoober I'm an amateur.)
Tip#1 Think of a freeway on-ramp (I should probably say Interstate because you will understand what I'm talking about better if I do.) as a take off ramp. Remember Evel Kenievel? If he didn't hit a certain speed while going up that first ramp, he would never have cleared as many vehicles as he has. Notice he always messed up the landing but not the approach. Use the Interstate on-ramps in this manner. Get on the ramp, and proceed to get your car up to the speed limit. Don't do the following: Drive 35 mph onto the Interstate, then slowly (painfully slow) speed up to 55. The limit is 70, if you can, you should drive it. I will be behind you and I am driving it. Please don't make me have to slam on my brakes because you can't depress your accelerator pedal faster than you do. If you get on to the Interstate ahead of me, don't slow down because you are freaked out that I may run you off of the road (trust me I've been tempted, but that's not safe). Speed the Hell up!!!!! Capish? Speed the Hell up!!!!
Tip#2 If you can safely let someone who wants/needs to change lanes over do so. It's courteous and alleviates Road Rage. Do not, and this bears repeating, DO NOT STOP YOUR VEHICLE TO THE POINT YOU ARE ALMOST AT A STAND STILL JUST TO BE FREAKING COURTEOUS!!!!!! Did you understand that? The only time you should be hitting your brakes on an Interstate is if everyone else in front of you is coming to a complete halt. God is not going to think better of you because you caused an 11 car pile up just to let someone change lanes in front of you.
Tip#3 CLOSE THE GAP!!!! If there is a space between your front end and the back end of the car ahead of you the size of the State of California and you aren't even remotely near the speed limit; MOVE YOUR ASS!!!!! Close the gap Baby!! Nature abhors a vacuum, as do I. You may not close the gap by going the speed limit, but at least you have room to safely go the limit without having to tailgate someone to do it.
Tip#4 Firetrucks, State Troopers, Ambulances, Tow Trucks do not need your help. Nor should you slow down just to stare at what they are doing. This used to happen back home alot too. A damn CHP Officer would have someone pulled over giving them a ticket and everyone else slowed down. I will say this loudly so you can hear: AN OFFICER OF THE LAW THAT HAS SOMEONE PULLED OVER AND IS OUT OF HIS/HER VEHICLE GIVING A TICKET TO THAT PERSON IS NOT GOING TO SUDDENLY JUMP IN THEIR VEHICLE AND CHASE YOU DOWN. Simple. It ain't happening. Look at it like a free ride to speed a bit. Mr. THP Officer is giving someone else a ticket and besides being concentrated on that he is concentrating on not being run over by another vehicle. Don't cause another accident looking at the one that is in front of you.
Tip#5 If every single car on the Interstate is creeping along bumper to bumper, riding my ass isn't going to make them go faster. It's just going to piss me off. If I had a gun you'd have a bullet in the eye. And look ahead please??? If you are coming up to a line of stopped cars with their brake lights on, don't come barrelling in and slamming on your brakes at the last minute coming within inches of an intimate encounter with my rear end. I'm not gay, and I don't like people riding my ass. Unless you are my underwear stay off my ass. Got it? Speeding up and slamming on your brakes in bumper to bumper traffic is not going to get you to your destination any faster than braking at a reasonable time. Honestly what you could possibly do is cause an accident, then you aren't going to reach your destination at all.
Tip#6 If you are driving a Semi, you are not driving a normal vehicle. Stop treating it like it is one. You Truck Drivers drive your Semi's like they are passenger vehicles out here. You should not be: tailgating me, then speeding up and passing barely missing my front end as you get in front of me all so you can slow down because a hill is coming up. Thanks dickhead.....now I have to slow down for your ponderous ass. You are also not supposed to tailgate other trucks and do the same thing to them. You schmucks drive these things like they are sports cars. I blame Reagan for this. Ever since he deregulated the Trucking industry, every loser with a pulse is being "trained" to drive a Semi.
Tip#7 If you are an Illegal and driving without a drivers license, don't drive slower than the speed limit. You aren't fooling anyone. You drive that slow so the cops don't pay attention to you. WRONG!!!! A 80-90's model Toyota Celica packed with Latinos going 50 down the Interstate is like a Neon Sign saying "Hey officer look, a carful of Illegal Immigrants!!!"
So there you go Middle Tennesseeans, some helpful hints to help you along the way. Remember, Mid Ten may not be a Freeway Culture, but it's becoming one.
I leave you with this closing statement:
"Get your heads out of your asses and learn to freaking drive!!!"
Thank you,
The Ranter
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